The ‘little terrorists’

Everybody has a name for the little voices that creep into our consciousness every time you are all revved up to start something. As of last week I call mine “the little terrorists”. Terrorists? How so you may ask? Well these little guys have become so skilled at bombing any attempt I make at changing the things that bother me about my life and sad to say but I am their best helper because I actually listen. One of my dreams and goals is to become a coach specifically coaching women. Up until past few weeks I was giving myself every kind of excuse on why I was not ready to start living that dream. I mean who would listen to anything I had to say? Have I lived enough? What if I know is not enough? What I failed to ask myself was what enough is when it comes to life experiences? Is there an age limit to it? As a result I thought maybe a gradual entry into the life of coaching was necessary until I could get my life right? Once again what constitutes a life “gotten” right? So needless to say I have been a ball of procrastination (terrible mental picture I know).

Line ‘em up and let me at ‘em
Sometimes a spiritual and mental purge is necessary to really latch on something and nothing says purge more than a fast. I have always loved the thought of having doing a fast but I have just never had the discipline to complete one (‘little terrorists’). One thing I noticed from my break-through was how the moment I was alone how the little ones just rose up: “You don’t have finances to do this thing”, “Wait a year or two and you should be to handle it” and when I told them “No more waiting” then a surfeit of other things I was not able to achieve at the moment for example ‘your webcam doesn’t work maybe buy another laptop before you start’. With that blur in my mind I decided let me shock myself and these little suckers and see what happens.
So I started a fast and it didn’t take them very long on the day it was meant to begin for my little friends to throw in comments from the peanut gallery. My plan had been to start the fast from sunrise to sunset; abstaining from food and drink. At around 3 am any attempt at sleep stopped and the little ones started their assault: “Thembi you know you won’t be able to handle this, so why even start” “what are you going to do about your medication, you know you need to eat and drink lots of water” and when I ignored them they started negotiating “ok, fast but at least drink water, you know how dehydrated you become” and when that didn’t work “why start at 5h30 when you can start when it becomes light, isn’t sunrise when the sun actually rises and you can see it?”. I must admit this one nearly had me to the point I was debating the wisdom of continuing with my fast. I ended up starting at 06h00 because I was sitting there listening to these little monsters and it hit me – this is what I do every time I start a project, every time I get excited about something new that I want. I talk myself out of it so much that I stop whatever I am doing and continue with my old ways. What I learnt the past week is that I must qualify the voices. Listen to the facts. Sometimes we focus so much on the reasons that give us no we forget the ones that give us a ‘yes’.

How many of us quit something because we imagine so many obstacles to what we want to achieve that we just GIVE UP. So I have declared a war against my little terrors and the most important weapon I have against them is this: I am aware of what they are. In other words I have their number, their grandmothers’ number and their great-grandmothers. Nothing beats being aware of the things that haunt you. I became aware of these little terrors in the past week where faced with going after my dream I was giving myself excuses on why I should down-scale my plans. Sitting there with a coach I was like “hell” I really need to get rid of these suckers. For me self-awareness is a start, having that internal dialogue to clarify who and what you are and where you are going because believe me if you have a fire in you about something it is already yours , its done you just need to believe it.

I believe.

Love and blessings..